Mr & Mr MacArthur
by RedEyedWarrior
Summary: Some people say marriage is tough. Some people say marriage is scary. But one thing that's definite is that there are lots of marriages out there that are a mixture of both. WARNING: may cause some readers to start a cult.
1. Chapter 1

**The concept of and the pairing for this idea was suggested to me by I'll Cover Angel and Collins. I must warn you guys in advance that this chapter contains what some readers mind find blasphemous. Discretion is advised.**

**DISCLAIMER: **_**Total Drama**_** would probably be banned if I owned it. It's only logical to assume that I have no involvement in the making of this programme, which is correct. And absolutely necessary. Fresh TV would most likely lose a lot of money if they incorporated some of my ideas into their shows because of all the boycotts from traditionalist-extremist dads and soccer moms who are too lazy to set up the parental controls on their TVs.**

**Anyway, here we go!**

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Inside a wedding chapel somewhere in Toronto, Canada, there thirty-six pews that could each seat nine people, eighteen on either side of the aisle. There were 324 guests at the wedding, a number in which nine goes into 36 times, and nine goes into 36 four times (plus, three plus six equals nine). Situated before the 324 guests was an altar. To get to the altar, one would have to climb three steps, so there were nine platforms that would require one to climb six steps to access placed on the altar.

Standing on one of the platforms were nine celebrants and the couple they were marrying. Each future spouse of the couple brought nine best men, nine best women, nine ushers and nine honour attendants. On six of the other platforms there were two best men, two best women, two ushers and two honour attendants; whilst the remaining two had three best men, three best women, thee ushers and three honour attendants each. The dress code for the wedding – which also applied to the celebrants – was either a suit decorated with nines or a dress decorated with nines. The whole chapel was decorated in nines as well.

As you can tell from the evidence, it is not hard to tell who one of the grooms were.

"Brick MacArthur, do you take Trent to be your lawfully wedded husband?" the celebrants asked in unison. They subsequently repeated the question eight times, also in unison.

"I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!" Brick beamed.

"And Trent, do you take Brick MacArthur to be your lawfully wedded husband?" the celebrants asked Trent, also nine times and in unison.

"I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!" Trent beamed.

"Glory be to the nine fathers, and to the eighty-one sons, and to the power of the nine, by the power they have vested in all nine of us nine times each, we now pronounce you nine times as husband and husband, Mr and Mr MacArthur!" the celebrants declared in unison. The best men, best women, ushers and honour attendants on the closest platforms placed nine glasses (that could fill 180ml of liquid) before both Brick and Trent. Brick and Trent kicked each glass nine times. When each glass was reduced to nine shards, the celebrants – again in unison – declared:

"You may now kiss the groom nine times!" Brick took Trent's hands in his and kissed Trent on the lips nine times. Each kiss lasted nine seconds. As the newlyweds walked down the aisle, the music played, which is the type of music traditionally played at Number Nine Religion weddings.

"_Here come the nine grooms!_

"_All dressed in nines!_

"_They slip on nine banana skins_

"_And they broke their backsides!_

"_Because they don't have nine backsides!_

"_If they had nine backsides,_

"_Their nine backsides would have been immune_

"_Thanks to the Power of the Nine!"_

There were nine limos parked right outside the chapel. Brick and Trent climbed into the ninth limo from the chapel and they were chauffeured off to where the first of nine wedding receptions were going to be held. Apparently, weddings performed through the Number Nine Religion must have nine consecutive wedding receptions over nine consecutive days, and in a different location. The wedding cake, which must have nine layers, cannot be same as the wedding cake held on the previous or next reception. The cuisine also has to be different. After the ninth and final wedding reception, the newlyweds must have nine consecutive honeymoons, each lasting nine days and they all cannot be in the same location. Failure to undertake these actions will result in an annulment.

There are many strange aspects of a marriage recognised by the Number Nine Religion. A married couple cannot get a divorce if the marriage is the ninth marriage of one of the spouses (this does not include annulled marriages or non-marital unions such as civil partnerships or civil solidarity pacts). Furthermore, a marriage is annulled by default if one of the spouses cheats on the other with nine different people or with one person nine times, if one spouse is cruel to the other in nine different ways or in one way nine times, if the couple has their tenth child, if the couple fails to have nine children by their 27th wedding anniversary, or if the spouses have been separated by a distance of 999 miles for a duration of nine years without seeing each other. The couple must also choose a surname that has nine letters, eighteen letters or any number of letters that can be divided by nine into a whole number. The couple can only have nine children, and in addition to giving each of their children a first name and a surname, each child of the marriage must have seven middle names so that they could have a total of nine names, and all of the nine names must add up to a number that can be divided by nine. The children must be named before they are nine months old, and they must be baptised nine times over nine consecutive days from their 990th day to the 998th day of their existence. Fortunately, Brick and Trent were planning on living up to these expectations. They could easily have nine children because every fertile woman, fertile trans-man or fertile intersex man must act as a surrogate carrier for nine children, even if they are living in a country that bans surrogacy.

Brick and Trent held each other's hands for the whole journey to where the first wedding reception will be held. They looked at each other and smiled happily.

They were looking forward to the rest of their lives, which they'd be sharing with one another, obviously.

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**As you can see, the Number Nine Religion is pretty much a rip-off from the Abrahamic religions. Don't worry, the Number Nine Religion is definitely a cult, which is not to be recognised as either a religion or a benign cult by any country in the world.**

**This is a multi-chapter story. In fact, I'm hoping to upload eight more chapters at least. Which means more psycho Trent and psycho Brick, which there wasn't much of this chapter.**

**Until next time!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to all you reviewers out there. They make me happier than Chris when he's about to start a challenge, or Psycho-Trent whenever he sees a nine. Keep those reviews and hits coming! Anyway, here is the second chapter. I hope you enjoy it.**

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Let's fast-forward to nine years after the wedding. Brick and Trent were having difficulty finding a surrogate mother, and for a combination of reasons. First of all, under Canadian law, surrogacy pregnancies have to be altruistic, and there were not many women or tans-men out there willing to rent out their wombs for free. As it turned out, none of the people who attended Brick and Trent's wedding were followers of the Number Nine Religion. They were only pretending so that Trent and Brick wouldn't kill them nine times. All of the so-called members that could get pregnant told Trent and Brick that they already rented out their wombs nine times so they cannot do it again. Besides, even if Brick and Trent did find a healthy surrogate, the courts wouldn't allow the couple to keep the child on grounds that Brick and Trent are not mentally stable enough to raise a child, because of Trent's number nine obsession and Brick's inability to control his emotions.

As a result, Brick and Trent MacArthur are still childless. They now have eighteen years to have a child, otherwise their marriage will be annulled (although under Canadian law they will still technically be married, a marriage is only valid in Trent's eyes if it is valid according to the Ninth God). Brick returned home from work, not to his husband and nine children, but to his husband and nothing more.

"HONEY, I'M HOME!" Brick called.

Trent was in the kitchen preparing dinner. "How was your day?" he asked.

"I got fired again," Brick sighed.

"WHAT?!" shrieked Trent. "You got fired?!"

"I'm sorry, Trent," Brick apologised.

"That was the ninth military base you were working in!" Trent griped. "Are you telling me that now there are nine military bases within the military that you can no longer serve in?!"

"It's not my fault the major's a meanie!" Brick protested.

"Well that means now you're going to have to find another job," Trent huffed. "And no! You are not working in another army base."

"Why not?"

"Because you only get nine chances at a specific job!" Trent shouted. "If you want to continue working in the military, you'd better find a job in the navy or the air force!"

"Why are you being so mean?" Brick sobbed.

"I'm not being mean! You're being mean!" Trent retorted.

"What have I done to you?!" Brick demanded.

"You wanted to work within the army ten times!" Trent shouted. "TEN! I'm sorry Brick, but I cannot allow this!"

Brick sighed. "Fine. I'll send in a CV to the Royal Canadian Air Force."

Trent beamed. "Glad to hear it, dear!" he told Brick, kissing his husband on the cheek nine times.

The two of them had their dinner and when they were done they went into the sitting room to watch the nine o'clock news on the telly. Just before the clock struck ten, Trent switched off the telly because he believes it is bad luck to be watching telly at ten.

Brick hated that hour even more so than Trent. This had nothing to do with Brick's religious beliefs at all. It was just that Trent wouldn't do anything fun or essential at ten o'clock. Trent refuses to even cuddle with Brick during this hour so all they could do was sit on their arse and stare up at the clock until it struck eleven.

Then Trent turned to Brick and said: "Ya wanna do it?"

"You want me to bang you?" Brick asked.

"Of course not!" Trent snorted. "I want you to bang me **nine times**!" he beamed.

"Okay," said Brick, taking off his clothes first. Next he moved onto Trent's clothes. Soon both men were bollock naked. Brick flipped Trent over on the couch and proceeded to fulfil Trent's wishes.

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**I'm going to stop right there, because this fic is rated T. I'm not going to write any lemons for a T-rated fic. I'm just not.**

**Sorry if this chapter was not as insane as the previous one. In fact, this chapter was pretty much a filler. But fear not, as I have the most WTF-inducing ending planned out. I can't wait to get to that. I also suppose you were expecting Brick and Trent to be some lovey-dovey couple who are happy all the time. Well guess what? A big happy family is a boring family, which is why shows like **_**Family Guy**_** and **_**the Simpsons**_** have dysfunctional families, otherwise these shows wouldn't be making any money. So I'm going to have Trent and Brick fight. A lot. So you can look forward to that in future chapters.**

**Until next time!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Wow. Four updates in one day, eh? I'm on fire today! OBVIOUSLY I wasn't talking about this fic. As you can see, this is only the third chapter after all. Well enjoy it anyway. If you have subscribed to me, well, I hope you enjoyed having me spamming your email with updates.**

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The next day was a Saturday, so Brick and Trent had the day off. Normally, most people sleep in on their day off. But not Trent and Brick. Trent and Brick always got up before 9am. There is no need for the narrator to tell you why. Needless to say anyway, Trent always woke up before 9am so he could pray to the Ninth God nine times for nine minutes each. Brick doesn't seem to mind getting up early, but that is only because he's used to it. Not only has he been married to Trent for nine years, he's also been serving in the military for as long as he could remember. But praying nine times to a god he does not believe in for nine minutes each? Brick only does it for the marriage... and also because he knows what Trent would do to him if he does not live up to "the expectations of the Ninth God, the Nine Sons and the Power of the Nine".

After they prayed, Trent and Brick would normally have nine slices of toast each. Unbeknownst to Trent, Brick would cut each slice into three piece to make it look like they're eating nine slices of toast when in actual fact they were only eating three full slices. This was mostly why Brick always offered to make breakfast whenever the couple had a day off. Yes, it was deceiving. But think about it. How would you feel after eating nine full slices of toast in one sitting? So can you honestly blame Brick?

Unfortunately, this time Trent wanted to make the toast. Trent threatened to scream for nine consecutive minutes if Brick wouldn't let him. So Brick sighed and gave in. The former soldier plopped down on the couch, contemplating how he's lived his life. Looking back, a rationale person would be deep in regret after doing everything Brick did, and let's just say that marrying someone like Trent, though highly regrettable, would not even make it to the top ten.

Nine minutes later, Trent returned with a plate in each hand. In each hand were nine full slices of toast. He had a highly volatile look on his face.

"Brickkkkk MacArthur, care to explain to me why the toast appear three times bigger than normal?" he asked, suspiciously.

Brick gulped. Trent glared daggers at him.

"You've had something to do with this, haven't you?!" Trent snarled.

Brick didn't answer.

Trent was getting impatient.

"Go on," Trent ushered. "Tell the truth and shame the Ten Devils of the Place Devoid of the Number Nine!"

Brick sighed and hid his face in his hands. "I-I-I cut each slice into thirds," he confessed.

"You did WHAT?!" Trent snapped.

"It still makes nine slices!" Brick defended himself. "Even with three full ones! Besides, three **is** the square root of nine, right?!"

Trent glared at Brick. "I've got my eyes on you, Brickkkkk MacArthur," he warned.

Brick nodded obediently. "Affirmative, Trenttttt MacArthur," he replied.

"This is your first warning. Eight more slip ups, and I will have no choice but to kill you nine times. Do we understand each other?"

"Affirmative, Trenttttt MacArthur."

Trent smiled "Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Now let's have sex nine times for nine minutes each both to celebrate and also to validate our reconciliation under the nine eyes of the Ninth God!" he beamed.

Brick beamed back. He loved shagging Trent.

"Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay!" he happily replied.

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**Sorry if the chapter wasn't as funny or as WTF as the previous two chapters. This was basically a filler chapter. The next chapter will most likely be Hell of a lot funnier than this, I can insure you guys that.**

**By the way, I was listening to very poignant music while typing this chapter. While it is a coincidence that I was listening to this music while typing, it does sort of fit the theme of this chapter, and maybe some of the future chapters for this fic. It is also guilty pleasure music, but I'll give out details in the next chapter if most of you actually want to listen to it. The next chapter will be up whenever I feel like it.**

**Until next time!**


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